Ashley Simpo, author of A Kids Book About Divorce, talks about how children are never at fault when people get a divorce.
Ashley Simpo, author of A Kids Book About Divorce, talks about how children are never at fault when people get a divorce.
A Kids Book About Divorce (view book)
Full Book Description:
When divorce happens, it happens to everyone in the family and kids are left with a lot of questions. This is a tough conversation to have, and some of the answers can hurt. This book is meant to help start an honest discussion with kids about what to expect when parents go their separate ways - written by a parent who has been there.
About the Author:
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother, and wellness advocate, writing about motherhood and civic issues through the lens of race, culture and politics. She lives in New York City where she co-parents her son Orion and leads conversations with and about mothers and children.
*If you want to be on a future episode of A Kids Book About: The Podcast or if you have a question you’d like us to consider, have a grownup email us at listen@akidspodcastabout.com and we’ll send you the details.
A Kids Book About: The Podcast
S1 E04, Ashley Talks About Divorce
[INTRODUCTION]
Matthew: What is divorce?
Vinny: Divorce is when two people who are married decide that they do not want to be married anymore.
Anya: Divorce is when two people who are married sign an agreement to break their marriage.
Ashley: So divorce is when two people who are married decide that they would like to live apart and to do that, they go and get the court's permission. And that process is called divorce.
Matthew: Welcome to A Kids Book About, The Podcast! I’m Matthew, your host. The voices you heard at the top of our show were from Vinny, Anya, and Ashley.
Each week we talk about the big things going on in your world with a different author from our A Kids Book About series.
[MEET OUR GUEST]
Ashley: Hi, my name is Ashley Simpo and I am the author of A Kids Book About Divorce.
I am a writer. I'm a mom to an eight year old. And I am an editor living in New York city.
Matthew: Today we are having a conversation about divorce. But Ashley and I were also thinking...
Ashley: What about the kids who aren't going through divorce?
Matthew: This show is for everybody, so that means that no matter what your family looks like today, yesterday, or in the future, Ashley and I were thinking about you as we recorded this episode.
Ashley: I think about exactly the reason that my son dragged me into the playroom that day at my sister's house, which is that one of his best friends, AKA his cousin. She might've had questions that are very natural for kids to ask and that you don't know how to respond to it. A simple question, like “How come your dad isn't here?” Or “Why is your mom always picking you up?”
And those are totally normal natural, questions, especially for kids to ask, but I think that there does have to be an awareness for all children that families look different. They come in different sizes and shapes. And I think for kids who have both parents at home, it's still important for them to know how to talk to their cousin who's going through a divorce, or their classmate who's going through a divorce just to create a more accepting society. We have to have conversations with our kids that maybe don't reflect what we're going through, but they reflect what our neighbors are going through.
Matthew: I’m not sure what experience you have with divorce in your life, but I do know that divorce affects everyone differently and for different reasons. I also know that some people feel comfortable talking about the divorce experience in their life, and others do not. Keeping this in mind is going to help all of us a lot as we move forward.
Here’s Ashley, sharing her experience with divorce.
Ashley: So I was married in 2011. And in 2014 my then husband and I decided that we were going to get a divorce. We have a son whose name is Orion. And at the time he was almost three years old when we began to talk about it. And it has been quite a journey of learning how to do it and how to talk about it with each other and to other people.
Matthew: There are as many reasons why people get married as there are for why people get divorced.
Ashley: You know, getting married is very much like a lot of decisions that we make. We make the decisions with the information that we have at the moment. And sometimes the information that we have changes and our decisions become decisions that we want to change, but most people get married because they love the person that they're marrying.
Matthew: And love is complicated. But you already know this, don’t you? The things or the people we love don’t always stay the things or the people we love. Outfits. Haircuts. Pets. Friends. Sometimes feelings change and that’s not our choice, but rather it’s our truth.
Ashley: People get divorced for so many different reasons. It's very personal. But some of the reasons can be that two people don't make each other happy anymore. Perhaps they are no longer getting along and that can cause a lot of strife if you're not getting along with the person that you live with.
Matthew: “Strife” is anger or disagreement.
Ashley: One of the people in the marriage may want to be with someone else that happens sometimes as well. Sometimes couples argue too much about a certain thing, maybe money or their careers. Couples sometimes are not nice to each other, and it can be a situation that is either dangerous for them or their kids.
So in those types of situations, it's really important to protect ourselves in our space. And that's another reason why couples may choose to divorce.
Matthew: When I think about divorce, it makes me feel concerned for the people involved. I feel like thinking about divorce makes my whole body quiet down to a whisper. What about you? How do you feel about divorce? Is there a grownup listening nearby? Ask them how they feel about it after you share your own thoughts.
Anya: When I think about divorce it’s always a bad thought. If I were to think that my parents were going to get divorced I would be scared and sad. It would be a mix of a lot of emotions because there would be probably a lot going on, but overall probably pretty sad because I don’t want my family to have to break.
Vinny: It makes me feel sad.
Ashley: Divorce makes me feel a little icky. I think it's not an easy subject. It's not an easy thing to go through. And so it's something that initially when I think of, I feel kind of sad.
Matthew: While we hold space for those emotions, here’s Ashley with thoughts on how to process what’s going on.
Ashley: I think it's really important to know first and foremost, that you are the most important person in the room and it is okay to ask questions. And if you feel comfortable asking mom or dad those questions, then that's good. If there's another adult in your life that you feel comfortable asking, then ask them.
It's okay to ask why and it's okay to share what your feelings are. Things will get sorted out and in the very beginning it's just important to be really honest about how you feel.
Matthew: We’ll be back in a minute with Ashley - and the answer to one of the questions you submitted - right after this quick break.
[BREAK]
Matthew: Welcome back to A Kids Book About: The Podcast. On today’s episode we’re talking about divorce, the different ways it can affect members of the family, and the importance of asking questions and sharing your feelings.
I feel like there’s a question that comes up a lot when a kid learns that their parents are getting a divorce: “Is it my fault? Is it because of me?”
Ashley: Absolutely not. Marriage is about the relationship between two people. It's an adult relationship. It has a lot of complexities and ups and downs. Children are never the reason that people are getting divorced. Children have to have to witness it and see it happen and be a part of what happens afterwards.
But you're not the reason for a divorce. My son was not the reason for my divorce. I don't know any adults who got divorced because their kids didn't pick up their toys, you know, or something like that. So that's a big, big, important thing to know. It is not your fault.
Matthew: A Kids Book About Divorce began with something Ashley’s son said to her after he went to California to stay with family over the summer.
Ashley: He was very angry with me and he had a lot of questions and, you know, at the time he was about six and he sat me down and said, “I don't understand why you and daddy are not together anymore.”
Mind you, we had been apart for quite some years, but I realized that when my son was in California with the family, he was seeing my sister's family where, you know, they're married, they have three kids, they've been together for about 20 years.
And for the first time in his life, he was seeing very up close what his family did not look like. So he had questions. And when he asked me these questions, I wasn't prepared enough because this is a smart kid. And me saying, “Well, you know, uh, we just didn't get along,” ...that wasn't enough for him. He wanted more.
So I set out to find resources, something that was very current that was talking about divorce in a way that would help me relay it to my son. And I couldn't find it. So I started to just write down what I should say to him so that I was prepared for the next conversation that we had.
And when we talked, he told me his his questions and I wrote those down. And I continued all along to search for something, some type of resource. And I actually came across another A Kids Book About on Instagram and found the company and searched on their website and didn't see anything about divorce.
Matthew: Can you guess what happened next? I bet you can! Ashley was looking for a book on divorce, but nothing she found felt like the right fit. And then she ended up at A Kids Book About. Here’s Ashley.
Ashley: And so I just messaged them and said, Hey, I'm a divorcee with a little kiddo and he has tons of questions and I'm just starting to figure out how to answer them. And this is something I'm sure tons of kids want to talk about. Is this something that you guys are doing? And my question was really like, are you planning on doing this?
And Jelani was like, no, but you can do it. So, um…
Matthew: That would be Jelani Memory, author of A Kids Book About Racism. He’s our guest on episode 1 if the name sounds familiar or if you haven’t listened yet.
Ashley: We ended up talking about it and, and just finding a lot of common ground Jelani and I are both. Children of divorce and divorcees. So you have the perspective of knowing what it's like on the other side and growing up and finding out that it's not the end of the world actually. And that there is beauty and love beyond your parents separating, and also for ourselves knowing as adults, what that feels like and why you make that choice. So it was a wonderful, just very nice natural kind of journey.
[LISTENER QUESTION]
Matthew: Today our listener question comes from Anya in Maryland.
Anya: I guess one question I have about divorce is if my parents or one of my friends’ parents were getting a divorce, I’d probably question who I would live with or who they would live with and how it would all work out in the end.
Ashley: That's such a good question, Anya and I want to say I was 12 years old when my parents got divorced. And I remember all of the different questions that I had about what was going to happen. When it comes to who you live with, that's a decision that you make with your parents. A lot of times it has to do with who is most equipped to manage the kids during the day and you know, through the week.
But if there's a situation where a child wants to live with one parent or the other, for whatever reason, maybe it's closer to grandma or school or that's the parent they get along with the most, that's perfectly fine. And it's okay to say that. It's important to know that whatever is best for the entire family usually starts with what's best for the kids.
It's important to just to express what you feel and what you need and just know that ultimately the decision will be kind of in the hands of your parents and the people that are helping them get through their divorce process.
Matthew: How did you feel after your parents chose to divorce when you were 12? And how long did you feel that way if you can remember? Like, are you okay now? Did you get to a point where you were okay?
Ashley: Yeah, I am okay now. And you know, I'm a big age. I'm in my mid thirties. But at the time for me it was a lot of change. When my parents divorced, I lived with my mother and my grandmother and we moved. And so it was a new neighborhood. It was a new school, a new room, a lot of new things.
And my parents deciding to divorce was not as big of a surprise to me.I saw them arguing a lot. I saw them fighting. So when it was explained to me by my mother that this was going to allow both of them to have more peaceful lives, I was able to accept it because I saw what it looked like. And so it was just a process of me learning to adapt to the new changes.
And that took a little bit of time, but I made friends and I realized that they were a lot of kids in my class whose parents had gone or were going through divorce. I was not by far a rare story. And so that was kind of what helped me move past it is realizing that divorce is part of life and part of the reality of just people loving each other and having relationships.
And it doesn't make you any worse off than anyone. It doesn't make you, um, you know, weird. It's just part of growing up is learning that that's part of love.
[CLOSING]
Matthew: Thank you to Ashley Simpo, author of A Kids Book About Divorce, for joining us today. And thanks to our two very special kid voices for helping make this episode what it is.
Vinny: My name is Vinny. I’m 9 years old. And I live in Maryland. My favorite thing is drawing.
Anya: Hi. My name is Anya and I am 12 years old. I live in the state of Maryland. My favorite hobby to do is sketching and drawing. My favorite board game is Monopoly. And my favorite video game to play is Minecraft. I really love listening to Broadway musicals, and my top three favorites are Dear Evan Hansen, Beetlejuice: the Musical, and Hamilton
Matthew: Thanks, Vinny! Thanks, Anya! If you want to be on a future episode of A Kids Book About: The Podcast or if you have a question you’d like us to consider, have a grownup email us at listen@akidspodcastabout.com and we’ll send you the details.
A Kids Book About: the Podcast is written, edited, and produced by me, Matthew Winner, with help from Chad Michael Snavely and the team at Sound On Studios. Our executive producer is Jelani Memory. And this show was brought to you by A Kids Podcast About.
Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, and wherever podcasts are found, and if you liked this episode, consider sharing it with a friend, teacher, or grownup.
Join us next week for a conversation about COVID-19 with A Kids Book About author Malia Jones.