Kevin Carroll, author of A Kids Book About Belonging, talks about how belonging starts with having the self-confidence to be able to be wherever you are.
Kevin Carroll, author of A Kids Book About Belonging, talks about how belonging starts with having the self-confidence to be able to be wherever you are.
A Kids Book About Belonging (view book)
Full Book Description:
This is a book about belonging. It tackles what it’s like when you feel like you belong to a group or family or team and what it’s like when you don’t. It addresses what it feels like when you don’t fit in, or when others don’t want you around. This book teaches kids how to belong to themselves and how that helps them belong anywhere.
About the Author:
Kevin is an author and creative catalyst who brings a playful curiosity, an avid intellect, a keen understanding of human nature, and a lifelong love of competition to all of his creative endeavors. He sees humanistic potential and possibilities everywhere.
*If you want to be on a future episode of A Kids Book About: The Podcast or if you have a question you’d like us to consider, have a grownup email us at listen@akidspodcastabout.com and we’ll send you the details.
A Kids Book About: The Podcast
S1 E17, Kevin Talks About Belonging
[INTRODUCTION]
Matthew: What does it feel like to belong?
Dane: It kind of feels like happy. And when people don’t include me it makes me really really really sad.
Kevin: So I truly believe, Matthew, that the meaning of belonging is self-confidence is having self-confidence to be able to be wherever you are. And you're confident in yourself. Therefore, you're always going to be confident in the environment that you're around and therefore you're going to be able to belong. And even if you don't fit in that situation, you're always good with you. And so I've always believed that belonging starts with you. The idea of your self confidence, your self-belief.
[MEET OUR GUEST]
Matthew: Welcome to A Kids Book About: The Podcast! I’m Matthew. I’m a teacher, a librarian, and I’m your host. The voices you heard at the top of our show were from Dane, and Kevin.
Each week we talk about the big things going on in your world with a different author from our A Kids Book About series.
Kevin: Hi, I'm Kevin Carroll. I'm a father, a husband, a sibling, a Black man, and an instigator of inspiration. I'm the author of A Kids Book About Belonging.
Matthew: There are countless ways you can belong and countless places you can feel belonging. In your family. On the soccer field. Playing video games with friends. Being part of a school community. Countless.
But, of course you know, we can feel belonging in some spaces and unconnected or distanced in other spaces.
Kevin: Oh, absolutely. You know, my childhood was not a typical childhood. It was, um, full of upheaval and dysfunction and disappointment. My parents were addicts and my grandparents rescued us and raised me and my two brothers. And so the first place I actually felt the sense of belonging was the playground in the neighborhood: Preston Playground.
And I can, anytime I even bring up the name Preston Playground, I feel this warm feeling inside and my brain and my heart smile like simultaneously, because I can see the image of being welcomed, unconditionally, being included, being invited to play games and be a part of this group of boys. And no one asks “Where'd you come from? Where's your mom? Where's your dad? Who are you?”
That thing is like, “Let's go! Let's play!” And so I really paid attention to that. I was only six years old and I really had this clear feeling like this is a unique and special place. I'm going to stay close to this.
And so I made a commitment to sports and play, not for trophies or medals or first place, but for community in a sense of belonging.
Matthew: Those others who make you feel welcomed and included? When that happens, everything just connects. Sometimes it’s a friend or classmate who draws you into that shared space. Other times it’s a grownup. A teacher. A parent. A friend’s parent. A coach.
Kevin: Yeah, you're just welcomed. When you get great coaches and great. You know, adults around you. Oh man. And we had just these really generous coaches at that playground and summer programs and it was amazing. And listen, I still remember their names: Russ Herman. I still remember his name!
Mr. Herman. He was amazing. He was the summer program lead at Preston playground. Oh my gosh. We did all kinds of activities. It wasn't just sports all the time. Doing balsa airplanes and, you know, building different things, arts and crafts, but he led all of it.
And sports was just part of it. But it was all about community. It was all about inclusion.
And the thing I loved about my playground is no one was allowed to stand on the sideline. If you were, if the, if the sides were uneven, you actually had to use your imagination and figure out how to in clot, invite someone else to play. So we had ghost players, ghosts runners. All kinds of things that we did. We imagined other players to make the sides even, but no one was ever allowed to stand on the sidelines. So it was always about inviting everyone in and being inclusive.
Matthew: Inclusion. Inclusive. Those words mean to be included, welcomed. And what about their opposites? Exclusion. Exclusive. That means that someone is excluded, or left out.
Kevin: I can remember, you know, when I grew up in a time, that's not unlike right now where there's a lot of social unrest and a lot of, uh, social strife and struggle right now. And I grew up in a time like that as a child. And I can remember not being welcomed. Some places are being questioned about why I was in a neighborhood or why I was at a park or a playground. And I was there for a game. We were there to play.
And to hear people say, “Well, you don't belong here.”
And I'm, “Well, what do you mean I don't belong here.”
And then to have to be set down by my grandfather to explain. That the color of your skin sometimes will want people to exclude you and not welcome you.
And I remember making a promise to myself. I would never be that way with people that I would always look for the good first, if you demonstrate other behavior, then I'll pass my judgment. But I always wanted to believe in the best in people first and lead with that.
But yeah, so when I was a child, there were instances when I wasn't that welcome somewhere, or we were playing a game against the school where people had learned this idea that you don't belong and prejudice and things like that.
And so I think, you know, one of the things that I've always said is, “You weren't born that way. You're not, you're taught that.” And so we all are born with an innate need to connect and belong and be a part of something.
And so I just, you know, I remember the feeling of just that sad kind of feeling. Like, “Well, I only want to play here. I don't want to do anything else.”
That's not okay.
And then having my grandfather explain to me. So I lost a little bit of innocence then. And I think that's one of the things that's real right now is a lot of children have lost their innocence because they've been witnessing, whether their parents wanted them to or not, they couldn't hide them from all the things that were going on right now.
Matthew: We’ll be back in a minute with Kevin - and more from our listeners - right after this quick break.
[BREAK]
Matthew: Welcome back to A Kids Book About: The Podcast. On today’s episode we’re talking about belonging with A Kids Book About author Kevin Carroll.
Have you been thinking about what spaces you experience belonging? Pause this episode and say them out loud, whether to a grownup or whoever’s listening with you, or even just in an empty space. I want you to say it out loud so you can hear back those places where you belong. And if you can’t think of any spaces where you belong just yet, that’s okay, too. Cuz you’re in this space with me and with Kevin and with everyone else who’s listening. And you definitely belong here.
Kevin: We have conversations all the time with my neighbor kids and stuff. So I know all the kids in the neighborhood and yeah, I just think that that's probably the most recent and it happens daily.
I literally, Matthew you'll appreciate this, I walk by my, my younger neighbor, two houses down from me. And I don't know if he's in the window, but I waive no matter what when I'm walking by their house, And all of a sudden you'll hear this bang, bang, bang, bang, bang on the window and he'll wave back. Right?
Or his mom said, “I saw you wave. I'll let him know you waved. He's at school today and stuff.”
So we've had this for the whole pandemic. Since last year, March, that's been the way we've been greeting each other is I walk by their house and just wave. Start the day and end the day when I walk home tonight, I always wave.
And it doesn't matter if I don't even see their cars. It's just a tradition now.
Matthew: That’s a great story, right? I shared it because I think it also points out a great thing to practice. Practice including others, inviting them to belong. Daily. And even when you think no one’s looking.
Let’s take a minute to connect. Tell me, how does thinking about belonging make you feel? Feeling like you belong in a space just the way you are.
Anaya: It makes me feel happy that I belong somewhere and not just in the middle of nowhere.
Dane: Really really really happy.
Kevin: When you do belong, you it's very, very evident, right? Because I like to say your heart smiles and your brain is tickled. Right. And so you just kinda know, right? You just, you can feel it in all your cells and your being. And when you don't belong, it's like you tense up everything tightens. And there is this elevated anxiousness, a little bit of worry or concern, and you just can't relax.
Anaya: I’d feel really sad and scared.
Kevin: It's just a feeling, an energy in the room. You sense it, right? And it could be someone's look or the way that they distanced himself from you. It could be a lot of different things that give you signals that you're not welcome. And when you don't feel welcome somewhere, you're going to also feel that in your body, you're going to tense up. You're going to shut down. You’re physically... your body language, right. You actually start roly-polying. You start balling up.
And I think the opposite happens in is when you're welcome. Right?
So they talk about the hugger and the boxer, right? So a boxer is tight and closed off. A hugger is open and welcome and vulnerable.
And so I think when you do belong, you have this trust, but when you don't feel like you belong, you want to protect yourself. And it's not a good thing to have to go through every single day, always feeling like you're closed off and you have to protect yourself. And so I think that's the two different feelings that you get.
[LISTENER QUESTION]
Matthew: Today’s listener question is from Anaya in Oregon.
Anaya: How would you know if you would belong somewhere when you don’t know where you belong?
Matthew: Anaya, there’s this great line in A Kids Book About Belonging that I want to gift to you because I think it’s a statement that you and other listeners will find really, really helpful. I definitely did.
Kevin writes, “Remember that you must belong to yourself first. I know, I know. You’re wondering, what in the world does that mean? It means you must love yourself, accept yourself, like yourself, appreciate yourself, care for yourself, and support yourself.”
Kevin: When I was younger, what self-confidence was for me, and I had low self-esteem as a kid because of my childhood and my background and my parents and all the things that I was navigating as a child.
And when I started playing sports, I got more confidence. And then I was better in school when I got more confidence. And then I was getting feedback from teachers and adults, and I got even more confidence.
And then I started loving myself again. And respecting myself and recognize that I had something to offer. And so that's when I say “belonging starts with you”, you got to belong to yourself, you got to love yourself, you got to respect yourself.
You got to recognize, I have gifts and talents that I can offer. And I just need to nurture that. And the right people will see that. The right people will see that.
And that’s, I think the unlock, I think that's the thing that really allows you to thrive is when you have the self-confidence to show up genuinely and authentically as you.
Matthew: The book continues, “When you belong to yourself, just as you are, with no faking or pretending… you’ll always belong, no matter where you are. It makes it OK when you don’t fit in, because you know that you don’t have to. And when you do fit, you know it’s because you’re being YOU!”
Kevin: Yes. Just being you, right? And knowing you're being you. You're good. Like I'm good because I'm going to be okay.
And when you find people, wow, it just amplifies you. But if you don't, I'll find them, you know what I'm okay cause I know my group, my community. They're out there. There I'll find them eventually.
But I'm going to just keep doing me. I'm going to keep doing me and growing and evolving and getting better and better. I think that's what people will appreciate. That's why they will be attracted to you.
You're not putting on that mask, that mask that's hiding your true you. And I love the fact that that's what it's about: showing up as authentically and genuinely as you.
Matthew: The origin of A Kids Book About Belonging is a belonging story in and of itself.
Kevin: This is such a lovely story of belonging. Um, Jelani was my son's first friend when we moved to Portland, Oregon in 1997. I met Jelani when he was 13. Jelani is the founder of A Kids Book About, and I met Jelani when he was 13. My son rode his bike down the street and came back with Jelani.
And Jelani has been in my life for 24 years now. And Jelani was at my house all the time. Jelani and my son played soccer and basketball together in high school. I was Jelani is encourager.
When Jelani wanted to think about, Hey, what's footwear design. I took them and introduced them to designers at Nike. When Jelani wanted to know more about photography, I took him to a friend that was a photographer. And when Jelani wanted to learn about graphic design, introduced him to people who did that. And little did I know it was actually going to turn into what he's doing now, but I’ve been that encourager for Jelani and Jelani will always say, you know, “You always invited me and welcomed me.”
And I said, “Jelani, you did the same thing. You welcomed me into your life.”
So it wasn't just about me being the adult because Jelani could have not welcomed me. And so I think that's what young people need to understand. It's a give or take. It's not just one way that the adults welcome. No, you have to welcome them also.
And Jelani chose me and I chose Jelani and you know, the fact that my son was the catalyst for it. I mean, who would have ever thought 24 years later, we would collaborate on a project and all kinds of other things. And so I'm just thrilled to watch someone grow into what they've grown into and to watch him evolve into an amazing human being.
Matthew: You belong, listeners. You belong in so many spaces where you will feel welcomed, and you can contribute, and you can help others feel like they belong, too. And that belonging might not always come easy because showing up as our true selves and standing up for what we believe in and who we are… that doesn’t always come easy, either.
Kevin: And so this is the work that you do, right? To find the things that inspire you. What gets you out of bed in the morning and knowing why.
And what are those things that tickle your brain and spark you? And these are all part of who you are. And the more that you go and explore and try to discover those things, it just starts to form you as this person that keeps showing up consistently. So, yes, when you're younger, you are going to try things, explore, wonder, discover, but when you have those things and I go back to it's something that excites you.
That gets you excited about getting out of bed and you know, why, you know why like, Oh, I liked that because it does this for me, or I like that because I really want to learn more about that or I like that because then you've got a reason for being, and that's what we're all trying to assist you with is to encourage you to discover those things.
And so I really think that's what will help you most, right, in getting to this place of belonging to yourself first. Is what inspires you, discovering that your passion, right? Those things. And that helps to form the being the person that you are, that shows up and people meet. And so that's how you become really authentic and true to who you are.
[CLOSING]
Matthew: Thank you to Kevin Carroll, author of A Kids Book About Belonging, for joining us today. And thanks to our very special kid voices for helping make this episode what it is.
Anaya: I am Anaya Griffith, and I am 8 years old, and I live in the United States of America in Oregon. My favorite thing would probably my two favorite things would probably be dogs and playing video games.
Dane: I’m Dane. I’m 6 years old, and I’m from the United State of America in Connecticut. I like karate, and I like playing with my baby sister, and I like hugging my mom.
Matthew: Thank you, Anaya and Dane! If you want to be on a future episode of A Kids Book About: The Podcast or if you have a question you’d like us to consider, have a grownup email us at listen@akidspodcastabout.com and we’ll send you the details.
A Kids Book About: the Podcast is written, edited, and produced by me, Matthew Winner, with production assistance by Ari Mathae (ma-thay) and help from Chad Michael Snavely and the team at Sound On Studios. Our executive producer is Jelani Memory. And this show was brought to you by A Kids Podcast About.
Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, and wherever podcasts are found, and if you liked this episode, consider sharing it with a friend, teacher, or grownup.
Join us next week for a very special conversation about a new book in the A Kids Book About series that will be made available on June 1st, 2021 to everyone, everywhere for free.