Kileah McIlvain, author of A Kids Book About Depression, talks about how a small point of connection can make all the difference for somebody.
Kileah McIlvain, author of A Kids Book About Depression, talks about how a small point of connection can make all the difference for somebody.
A Kids Book About Depression (view book)
Full Book Description:
This is a book about depression. It doesn’t shy away from both the complexities of depression or what getting help might look like. It gives an honest perspective into what depression feels like, what life looks like with it, and the hope that comes with being known and being loved through it.
About the Author:
Kileah is a writer, musician, knitter, and lover of all things Middle Earth. She and her husband raise hobbits and chickens in the verdant wilds of Washington State.
*If you want to be on a future episode of A Kids Book About: The Podcast or if you have a question you’d like us to consider, have a grownup email us at listen@akidspodcastabout.com and we’ll send you the details.
A Kids Book About: The Podcast
S1 E16, Kileah Talks About Depression
[INTRODUCTION]
Matthew: What is depression?
Dane: When someone’s sad for a really really long time.
Charlie: It means feeling sad or like if your parents divorce you may feel very sad or feeling alone like if you lose a friend or your friend moves you may feel that way.
Reagan: I think that depression is, like, if someone you love dies it’s usually when it’s the strongest. But I do agree with Charlie that can be when like when people you love divorce like including your parents or when your friend moves away or something like that.
Aramis: Depression is sadness. And I hate having to watch people go through depression cause they’re going through tough times.
Kileah: Depression is a state of your brain, and actually it's a disorder, that causes the brain to feel so sad and so discouraged, um, that it really gets in the way of doing everyday life.
Matthew: Welcome to A Kids Book About: The Podcast! I’m Matthew. I’m a teacher, a librarian, and I’m your host. The voices you heard at the top of our show were from Dane, Charlie, Reagan, Aramis, and Kileah.
Each week we talk about the big things going on in your world with a different author from our A Kids Book About series.
[MEET OUR GUEST]
Kileah: My name is Kileah McIlvain, which is a total mouthful. And I am a writer and an avid reader, a chicken wrangler, and a mom to four hobbits.
I am the author of A Kids Book About Depression.
Matthew: When we talk about depression, we often link it to sadness. But, as you can imagine, it’s a bit more complicated than that.
Kileah: Different people experience depression differently.
My feelings of depression make me feel really alone, like nobody really understands what's going on inside my head because a lot of that, you you're feeling it inside and it kind of feels like it's a fog that you can't really see through.
It kind of keeps me from being able to enjoy the things that I normally know I like to do like garden and read or listen to music or sing.
And honestly, sometimes it makes me feel angry, cause I kind of feel like I'm not in control of how I'm feeling.
Matthew: That experience of not being able to control how you’re feeling is something I think you’ve probably experienced at least once in your life? Or maybe you’re even nodding along, saying, “Oh my word I feel that feeling all the time!”
Kileah: Well, sometimes it can't be avoided, and sometimes there are triggers. There are really sad things that have happened in my life and I know that it has triggered a state of depression for me.
Looking back before I knew much about it at all, it was just this overwhelming sadness and loneliness. And when I started getting help and when things started looking up because I was getting help, I felt less alone.
And so now sometimes with more tools I can kind of see when that's kind of coming on. I'm like, “Uh-oh. Things are feeling pretty grim and pretty dark.” But now that I know that I have trusted people that I can talk to about it, I have medicine that I take that will help me be able to recognize when my mind is going to those foggy places, those alone feeling places. That really does make a difference.
So now I can recognize it more, and it doesn't always need a reason to just kind of show up. Sometimes there is. Sometimes things trigger it. And sometimes it just kind of shows up and it's not really anybody's fault. It's just there.
Matthew: This whole episode today is going to revolve around help. I always save time to ask our authors about how we can be of help to others as we go about our lives and you might recognize some of the same strategies suggested in previous episodes coming up again today. That’s terrific.
I think one of the greatest tools you have to help others, listeners, is your ability to feel empathy. That means your ability to connect with how someone else is feeling. And that often leads to doing, doesn’t it? Doing something to help that other person feel seen and loved and supported.
Let me kickstart those empathy feelings by asking you to reflect on how if feels to think about people struggling with depression.
Charlie: That makes me feel sorry for the person who is feeling depressed.
Reagan: I agree with Charlie. It’s really sad that that happens to people.
Kileah: I think that. Without the help that I do have now, I just remember feeling really overwhelmed. And I think that when I was able to start getting help, hearing that other people dealt with the same thing that I do, or just generally understood how I felt and that it wasn't something that I needed to be scared of...That really helped.
I think a lot of the feelings of loneliness, at least, and, and hope knowing that there are other people. I'm not alone. And even if it doesn't cure it for the rest of my life, that there's hope. And that I can grow. And that there are people there to help me out when I'm in a spot where I don't feel like I can move on or where I can't get up. Being there for each other, it makes all the difference.
Matthew: We’ll be back in a minute with Kileah - and the answer to a question submitted by a listener like you - right after this quick break.
[Break]
Matthew: Welcome back to A Kids Book About: The Podcast. On today’s episode we’re talking about depression with A Kids Book About author Kileah McIlvain.
Kileah: If I'm in a place where I can help somebody else, even if I'm struggling, I think that makes all the difference. I feel like in some ways it makes what I struggle with meaningful because somebody else might be going through the same thing too and might feel really lonely. And if I can help them by even just saying, “I know what it feels like. You're not alone. Let me point you in the right direction.” You know? I wish somebody had done that for me when I was a kid, you know, and I didn't have words to say how I was feeling. I didn't know where to get help.
And honestly, a lot of the adults in my life either didn't understand, or I was just, wasn't even taught words to say, you know, like I'm feeling this way or this feels really, really dark. And you know, when it's scary to you, sometimes you can feel well, maybe it could scare somebody else. I don't know.
Matthew: Excellent, excellent point there! If it’s scary to you, sometimes you might feel that whatever you’re feeling might be scary to somebody else, too. And that, in turn, might make you keep your feelings to yourself. But listener, please. No matter what you’re feeling inside, please share it with someone who you know will listen. That is exactly what your person would want you to do. Trust me.
Kileah: It took one person, and that person for me was actually my husband. We were on our way to a music practice and we were in the car and I don't know what brought it on, but I just started to totally break down.
I talk about this in my book, but everything just started kind of flooding out.
Matthew: Can I read that part to you? Can I read it back to you? It goes: “...And I told the most important person in my life all of the things that I’d been feeling inside of me. The things that they couldn’t see. I told this person about the fog, the sadness, and the loneliness, and they hugged me. And they finally saw what was going on inside of me. Finally I wasn’t alone anymore.”
Kileah: And so he actually stopped the car, and was in the middle of summer. And we were walking through a park and it was three hours long with me just saying “I... I'm suffering and I don't even know what to do about it. I feel this way. It's super dark. And I don't see any reason for me to just continue being here at all.” I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt lonely and he listened and then he hugged me. And those were the turning points.
It didn't mean that everything was immediately better, but just to be seen and just to be known and have somebody listen...it was that point that I got help. And, and so I'm really thankful for that. Even if I didn't have the words at the time he was there.
Matthew: It can be scary to ask for help. You know that, listener. I know you’ve felt that before. And finding the right kind of help? That’s something that can take time and it’s often different from one person to the next.
Kileah: I have a really wonderful psychiatrist that I see. And she is a part of the team of people helping check in with me, check in with my mind, and see where I'm at, how I'm feeling. And they're specifically trained to be a safe place for me to be able to talk about how I'm feeling and talk about options, like what's helpful. Is it, spending a few minutes of meditation and working on my breathing to help calm my whole body down to, to kind of stop and check in with myself and see how I'm feeling?
Sometimes it's really easy to ignore taking care of ourselves when we don't really understand how to identify how we're feeling. But it's been really, really helpful having a therapist. I can talk to my kids even about how I'm feeling because after I wrote my book, actually, even though we're very open about talking about how we feel in my family, um, the book that I wrote helped them to have more words and kind of put even their own mom on their radar and others who might be experiencing the same things to be able to say, “Hey, I've noticed this. Here... I… can I help?”
Matthew: “Can I help?” If each of us made it a point to sincerely ask that question each and every day, we could all accomplish a whole lot of good.
Kileah: I think even just acknowledging someone or noticing somebody makes a huge difference in someone's life because feeling depression is so, it's such a lonely feeling. It's such a deeply lonely and isolating feeling.
[LISTENER QUESTION]
Matthew: Reagan, in Texas, had a number of questions as she thought about today’s topic.
Reagan: My questions are like: Does everybody face some point of depression in their life if it’s not as severe as some other people’s depression because I think that… is there a point when everybody would reach a stage when they would have at least one depression thing happen? And also, like, how does depression affect people around the depressed person? Does it make them feel sadder or something?
Kileah: That's a really great question. That shows a lot of care for the others in their life, too. Wow! I would say that when I talked to my husband, some of the feelings that he said were, he's like, “Not that you caused them, but,” he said, “I kind of felt lonely and upset sometimes.” You know, some of that was because he was so sad that I was suffering in silence and that he didn't know what was going on. And as somebody who cares deeply about me and cares for me and helps to take care of me, it's really hard when you hear that somebody that you love and care for is going through something that you had no idea and was going through that.
Matthew: Talking about what we’re going through can actually help to connect us more deeply to others. And it can also bring new opportunities into our lives. That’s how Kileah became involved with A Kids Book About.
Kileah: So Jelani and I, we're actually friends, and believe it or not, we met, um, a few years prior to that. He actually played guitar in a band I was leading. He is actually a wonderful musician.
But he randomly messaged me on Facebook and was like, “I have this maybe crazy idea. Can I talk to you about it? What do you think? Would you be willing to write A Kids Book About Depression?” He's like, “cause I've I seen you share your story in bits and pieces over the years. And I really think that you need to tell your story because it's a story worth telling and only you can tell your story.”
And I have always wanted to write. I just never knew I was going to write about something I was going to be struggling with perhaps the rest of my life. And so he was the one who kind of said, “Hey, I think you're capable of this. Would you be willing to do it?” So I said, sure.
Matthew: Kileah is still on her journey, but now you’ve shared part of the journey with her. And that’s a pretty amazing thing too, I think.
Kileah: If I were to get to go back and tell the person that I was when I was feeling all those things and when everything kind of came flooding out in that park in Portland, like I would say to her that there is hope and that my story does matter. And that my place here in this world matters, even if I can't feel it. And even if I can't see it. Especially the hard parts.
And it's okay for the hard parts to make up our life and to be a part of who we are and that it may feel scary, but it's, it's still worth it. And if we can even recognize the hurting and the struggling in our own life or in someone else's life, making that small point of connection can make the difference between life and death for somebody.
And that small bit of courage...It's, it's worth it.
[CLOSING]
Matthew: Thank you to Kileah McIlvain, author of A Kids Book About Depression, for joining us today. And thanks to our very special kid voices for helping make this episode what it is.
Dane: I’m Dane. My age is 6, and I live the United States of America in Connecticut.
Charlie: Hi. I’m Charlie and I am 8 years old. I love to draw.
Reagan: Hi. I’m Reagan. I’m 10 years old and I live in Texas. My favorite thing is Percy Jackson books.
Aramis: Hello. My name is Aramis Verano. I’m 9 years old and I live in California. My hobby is that I like to play video games and help my friends and hang out with them.
Matthew: Thank you, Dane, Charlie, Reagan, and Aramis! If you want to be on a future episode of A Kids Book About: The Podcast or if you have a question you’d like us to consider, have a grownup email us at listen@akidspodcastabout.com and we’ll send you the details.
A Kids Book About: the Podcast is written, edited, and produced by me, Matthew Winner, with help from Chad Michael Snavely and the team at Sound On Studios. Our executive producer is Jelani Memory. And this show was brought to you by A Kids Podcast About.
Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, and wherever podcasts are found, and if you liked this episode, consider sharing it with a friend, teacher, or grownup.
Join us next week for a conversation about Belonging with A Kids Book About author Kevin Carroll.